How to manage emotional insecurity in the couple?

Couples break up for different reasons : the love that ended, incompatibility, infidelity and, among many others, emotional insecurity . 

Affection insecure people need to be constantly reminded how much they are loved. 

What at first seems like a love game of questions about who loves us and how much they love us, can become a real burden for those who do not experience this insecurity.

Therefore, the solution does not lie in convincing our partner to be more inclined to remind us and show us all the time the love he feels towards us, but in us assuming that we suffer from emotional insecurity and that, therefore, we must learn to manage it.

Why are we emotionally insecure with our partners?

Among the most common reasons that explain it are:

Tips for resolving couple conflicts
How to stop being an insecure person
How to make important decisions
Nervous tics: what they are and why they appear
Feeling of loneliness: what causes it and how to overcome it
How to manage emotional insecurity in the couple?

• Something traumatic that happened to us a long time ago, either repeatedly or punctually, but that we do not necessarily remember. It is common for the mind to block certain memories that can harm us, but that does not mean that having lived them has not left wounds in our security. Sometimes we even remember a certain event that caused us great sadness, despair or extreme anguish , but we do not relate it to the current insecurity that is plaguing us. However, in order to manage it correctly, we need to understand why this emotional insecurity appeared in our lives.

• Heartbreak in childhood: not all human beings come into the world through a desired and sought pregnancy. Moreover, it is surprising how many people have surprised their parents with their unexpected arrival. This fact in itself does not have to represent any problem if these parents pour all their love into the newly arrived baby. On the other hand, when they simply fulfill their obligations as parents, but there are no instances of play, pampering and active listening, the child develops strong voids within himself and this can lead to deep affective insecurity in adulthood.

• Disapproval of our parents in childhood: when a child puts all his enthusiasm and effort into doing something, be it a work of art according to his age and his possibilities, or a simple trick to make his parents laugh, and what he receives in return they are criticism, bad faces and disapproval, it can be the beginning of emotional insecurity in the future.

• Absence of positive reinforcements in childhood: as well as marking ourselves what we should not do is part of education, so are positive reinforcements. The child who lacks praise and words of approval from his parents when he does things well, may develop insecurity because it is not clear to him what it is that satisfies his parents. Growing up, that seed of insecurity can pass to the affective part and make him emotionally dependent .

• Excess of demand in childhood or adolescence : the excess of demand is manifested when nothing that the child does satisfies his parents, because they always expect more from him. The anguish derived from feeling that they cannot please their parents is anchored in the unconscious of that child and is transferred to adulthood in the form of a constant fear of losing the person who becomes their partner .

• Comparing ourselves with other people “better” than us: this comparison is usually born by our parents, so that later we set it ourselves and compare ourselves with those we consider better. This dangerous practice can trigger the fear that our partner will leave us for someone “better” than us. Therefore, we need the constant reinforcement that their love remains intact.

• A loving rejection: it is also possible that our childhood has nothing to do with the emotional insecurity that prevents us from being happy, but perhaps it was generated from someone emotionally rejecting us.

How to deal with emotional insecurity?

Chronic emotional insecurity is reversible after appropriate psychological therapy to eradicate it. However, you should know that a long time awaits you until you finally regain the security that you once had. For this reason, you will need to learn to deal with this emotion before it goes away. Otherwise, what will most likely disappear sooner is your love life.

How is affective insecurity managed in the couple?

Following the steps detailed below:

• Understand that your partner is not to blame: if you assimilate this, you will understand that you cannot ask your partner to take care of your insecurity. While you can tell him so he knows how you feel, it wouldn’t be healthy for either of you if you aspire to have him check on you all the time.
• Do not blame your parents: it is true that perhaps all this problem was born in childhood. However, you have grown up and now you must face your fears and insecurities for what they really are: your responsibility.
• Make a list of everything good that you bring to the relationship: it is very likely that fifty percent of the responsibility for them being together is yours. Then it is time for you to assume your responsibility in the success of the couple; that will make you gain security.
• Propose to your partner that they do activities that enrich the relationship: if for some reason you feel that your relationship could be threatened, propose to your partner to do things that take the relationship to another level. You will gain significant confidence in yourself and in your contribution to the relationship.

The Manuel Escudero Center for Psychology and Psychiatry in Madrid recommends:

The treatment of insecurity problems is based, on the one hand, on improving self-esteem and emotional independence and, on the other hand, on the work of those thoughts that are poorly adjusted to reality that can lead the person to interpret it in a poor way. objective and distorted.