Lasting Relationships: 10 Ways to Succeed in Love

It is very common to consult with a psychologist or psychotherapist for reasons of love. Oh! Love….! Most people want to love and feel loved, they want to live as a couple and maintain a long -term, involved and committed relationship.

Lasting Relationships: 10 Ways to Succeed in Love

I share some reflections, as a recommendation, based on my experience as a couples therapist.

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Learn to differentiate infatuation from love

The crush lasts a short time, around approximately 2 years. Love, however, can last a lifetime. People have the capacity to love, think of a father’s love for his children, the love you feel for your soul mates, for a relative you appreciate.

Love is infinite and can be developed. For Buddhists, love is primarily fueled by compassion. The more compassionate, the more loving.

Taking care of the relationship: time, presence and attention

We spend a lot of time trying to have a partner and what happens to us when we do? Do we take care of our partner as we take care of our children? do we respect it? do we hear it? did we have fun with it? Do we invest in our partner as we invest in our work?

Perhaps we have answered many questions in the negative. When we want to look slim we take care of our diet, if we want to have a healthy dog, we take care of it and take it for a walk; the same with the couple.

Pretending to have passion, illusion, good communication in the couple , if I don’t get excited, I don’t communicate and I don’t get a little passionate every day, it’s an idealization, but nothing more than that.

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Distinguish my expectations from the real person

Many people want their partners to meet all their expectations: to be friends, lovers, colleagues, personal trainers, lawyers, psychologists, managers, computer scientists… This is impossible, it is an illusion, an ideal, but it is not something within the real order. .

There are more complete couples than others. Couples who share values, ways of understanding life, hobbies, cultural and social interests, etc. and its members feel more satisfied and complete, but keep in mind that even the most complete couple has its shortcomings.

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Build a couple model that satisfies both parties.

There are many models of couples: married couples, homosexual couples, couples who live geographically apart, common-law couples, couples with children, couples without children, couples with adopted children, couples who live in different houses, couples who share finances…

There is no better way than another to be in a relationship and achieve a lasting relationship, therefore, there is no model for a couple that guarantees success in maintaining a relationship and love. The chosen model has to make both parties happy, although some couple models are easier to live with than others.

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Work so that love grows day by day

Sincere, emotional and empathetic communication is the only way to take care of the couple and make love grow every day. Maintain mutual interest, care and respect so that love lasts and coexistence does not become a battlefield that ends even the purest love.

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Learn to converge and diverge

Knowing how to respect individual freedom, we do not see things in the same way, and perhaps it is not necessary, this is what I call, learning to diverge . It is necessary to be able to negotiate to reach common points and that the relationship can be lasting, it is what I call, converge .

Know how to negotiate to reach agreements. In order to negotiate properly, I need to know how to assertively express what I want and need. Establish limits, where my rights end and where yours begin.

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love is not dependency

There are people who demand that everything be done as a couple, at first they may like it, but it ends up suffocating any couple, we all need to feel free to be able to express: " I want to do this alone" and that it doesn’t happen.

Continuing to have moments in solitude is healthy and everyone will see what they need to invest in (hobbies, work, friends…) Being in a couple does not mean being fused, since it suffocates anyone. There are people who confuse love with dependency.

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Learn to flex and mature

It is necessary to be flexible with the natural changes of the couple and of life. The couple is not a static entity, that is, it evolves over the years.

It is normal for transformations to occur in the couple. A couple is not the same at 30 as the same couple at 50 (children, mortgage, a sick parent, work or unemployment problems)

Couples need to transform and change and sometimes we are not open to change and we affirm: “you met me like this and that’s how you have to put up with me” , this type of affirmation leads to the failure of love and of the couple. We need to learn to express our needs and know how to set clear limits to what we don’t want, this is one of the keys to achieving a lasting relationship.

See the other as an equal

The two members of the couple are at the same height, what does this mean?, that one is not more than the other. One may have more income than the other, but it is not more, it does not have more value, nor more power within the couple. Accept the other as it is without “buts”.

Accepting is not trying to change, transform, or manipulate. The other is an equal, it is neither better nor worse. Each member of the couple comes with their beliefs about how things should be and be done in the couple, sometimes we believe that ours is the best, without stopping to think that perhaps we are not so successful.

To be open to love is to be open to pain

In the couple is where we have more intimacy. There are people who believe that being in a couple is to always be happy and in love, as in the end of the stories: “they were happy and ate partridges”.

Sometimes there are very strong crises. Crises can be experienced as an opportunity to grow, to evolve, and always remember that they are temporary, that a crisis does not last 100 years, and that crises handled well always make us grow and strengthen ties. Lasting relationships are characterized by openness to love.