Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
Many people wonder if it is possible to love two people at the same time.
I do not want to give a simple answer at the outset, but rather invite the reader to reason with me, to see if we reach a conclusion in a systematic way, and based on psychological knowledge.
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| We can affirm that it is not possible to live in true enchantment with more than one person , that is to say, I cannot be in the first stage of the life of a couple simultaneously with two people. |
To achieve this, we need to put the question in context in two ways. First, you have to describe the stages in the life of a couple relationship, because the answer may be different for each stage.
And second, it is necessary that we define the elements that constitute romantic love, in order to clearly distinguish the concepts.
The Stages in the Life of a Couple Relationship
Each stage in a couple’s life has different dynamics and possibilities. Viewed in a long-term context, there is an initial stage and three subsequent stages in the life of a couple.
The enchantment is just the beginning
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The first stage is that of enchantment, in which there is infatuation and obsession, usually accompanied by tension and anxiety. The process of feeling anxious and vulnerable, until the other responds, is the first element of love.
Anxiety and vulnerability create the need for comfort and to find safety in each other. I think that it is not necessary to go into great detail in the description of this stage because it is very familiar to all of us.
The formal link
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The second stage is called formal binding. Many relationships fail when it comes time to make an explicit commitment, which often takes the form of expressing a desire for marriage or permanency.
Mere cohabitation does not entail commitment. In fact, couples who cohabit without a formal commitment are statistically more likely to divorce if they do get married.
And then the children appear
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The third stage is parenthood. The quality of the relationship may feel diminished with parenthood. Less money, less sleep, more chores, and more conflicts about parenting. Above all, less time for intimacy and sexual relations, and frequently less libido in women.
As is to be expected, the parents who bear parenthood the worst are those who suffer from insecurity in their style of loving and letting themselves be loved, as we will see immediately.
Securely attached couples are not immune to the difficulties of transitions, but they handle them better because they have more faith in their partner and in the ability to adapt to new circumstances.
mature love
Finally, the fourth stage is that of mature love. A secure bond eases the transitions that come with age, such as the departure of children, retirement, and aging.
Sometimes, when the children leave home, latent problems and gaps in the marital relationship are exposed and come to the fore. This new type of stress can increase the propensity to seek comfort outside of the relationship and open yourself up to the possibility of a spell.
The Elements That Make Up Love
Couple love has three elements: enchantment or falling in love, emotional connection and commitment.
Of these three elements, we know the first and the third quite well, but the second is usually shrouded in mystery, despite the fact that it is the key factor in answering the question we have asked ourselves. That is why I have deemed it necessary to briefly describe the concept of emotional attachment in the couple relationship.
Attachment styles: key to understanding the couple relationship
We all learn a certain attachment style very early in life, perhaps before we can remember, based on the attachment experience we had with our parents or primary caregivers.
Some people develop a secure attachment style: they have learned to trust that they are lovable by those closest to them and to love without insecurities.
These people have a high probability of success in their relationship, because they have learned to identify, express and properly manage their emotions in their intimate relationships. However, most of us have developed styles that are imperfect and insecure to love.
That insecurity comes in two flavors: anxious insecurity and avoidant insecurity.
Insecurity, in any of its forms, hinders both the strength of commitment and the depth of emotional connection.
The form of couples therapy that I practice ̶ emotion-focused therapy ̶ seeks to reduce insecurity in the couple’s mutual attachment and build a more secure relationship, by fostering deep emotional connection.
When this exists, people become skilled at identifying their deepest emotions and sharing them with their partner, which solidifies the relationship and opens up unsuspected possibilities of happiness and satisfaction.
Security in attachment to our partner, with the consequent depth of emotional connection, is a very effective antidote against spells outside of the relationship.
These possible enchantments are no longer seen as attractive or as a source of possible happiness. Conversely, when the couple lacks a deep emotional connection, people are more vulnerable to the illusion of looking outside the relationship for the comfort and connection they miss.
Marriage or formal bonding, which characterizes the second stage, facilitates total emotional commitment, because it formalizes the transfer of attachment from the family of origin to the spouse, and because it calms the anxiety of enchantment.
The foundations are laid for an effective long-term commitment. Studies show that in the early years satisfaction tends to get worse and safety tends to improve. Studies also find that the more insecure the attachment, the shorter the relationship and the greater the likelihood of divorce.
Is it possible or not possible to love two people at the same time?
Having understood the stages and elements of romantic love, we have laid the foundations to answer the question posed by the title of this article.
We can affirm that it is not possible to live in true enchantment with more than one person , that is to say, I cannot be in the first stage of the life of a couple simultaneously with two people.
However, enchantment is possible with a third person in any of the following stages when the emotional connection is weak or superficial , either because it never existed or because it existed and has weakened.
In the same way, we can affirm that it is very difficult for a person to fall into a state of enchantment if the relationship is secure and the emotional connection is deep. Charms can sneak into a limping couple, but not into a strong relationship.
Just as the relationship of a couple is very weak if there is no deep emotional connection, neither can one speak of true love as a couple without commitment.
Love congeals and becomes tangible when it takes the form of deep and lasting emotional connection that psychologists call secure attachment.
Secure attachment is the foundation of a happy couple’s life and an intense sexual life that does not decline over the years. When this secure attachment is combined with commitment, the couple’s relationship becomes practically invulnerable and enchantments do not prosper.
I like to think, in the context of my own relationship with my wife of many years, that the enchantment is preserved, perhaps transmuted into a kind of quiet startle, similar to the initial enchantment, which we can call enchantment.
In conclusion, this charm can only be maintained if the other essential elements of a couple’s relationship work: commitment and emotional connection.