Wednesday, 22 June 2016

How To Live With An Introvert, If You're An Extrovert

In pairs of different temperaments to achieve mutual understanding is not easy. When partners start to live together, differences in pace of life and tastes may spoil the relationship. How to avoid it? 

How To Live With An Introvert, If You're An Extrovert
How To Live With An Introvert, If You're An Extrovert

1. Agree on the boundaries

Introverts like boundaries (even if not admit it). They feel comfortable only in a well-developed, familiar space. This applies to things and rituals. "Again you take my headphones? Why did you move my chair? Did you clean the room, but now I can't find anything". Actions that seem natural, your partner is an introvert may perceive as an invasion.

"Well, when a more open partner respects the personal space of another," says Sofia Dembling (Sophia Dembling). But this does not mean that you must forget about yourself. As in other situations, there is an important compromise. Take the time to talk about what kind of situation each of you considers comfortable. Write down the moments when you have a misunderstanding – not to show a partner account, but to analyse them and understand how to avoid conflicts".

2. Do not take the reaction of the partner on your account

Oleg talks enthusiastically about her ideas on how to spend a weekend. But Kate seemed not to hear him: answers in monosyllables, says in a nonchalant tone. Oleg begins to think: "What's wrong with her? Is it me? Again, she is dissatisfied with something. Probably thinks I only think about entertainment."

"Introverts may seem sad or angry. But this does not mean that they are really angry or sad"

"Introverts can go to, to concentrate, to consider an important point or to digest impressions," explains Sofia Dembling. – In such moments, they may seem sad, unhappy or angry. But this does not mean that they are really angry or sad. Emotions introverts are not always obvious, and you'll need more sensitivity to detect them."

3. Train yourself to ask questions

One of the most common cognitive distortions introverts – the conviction that others will see and understand what they are. For example, an introvert may stay at work late and did not think about, to notify the partner. Or to go to another city without saying anything. Such actions can irritate and cause a feeling of frustration: "Does he not understand that I care?"

"A useful strategy in this case is to ask and listen," says Sofia Dembling. – What bothers your partner now? What he would want to discuss? What he'd like to share? Convey to partner that your conversation is a security zone where he doesn't need to defend myself and choose my words very carefully".

4. Choose the appropriate moments for conversation

Introverts have a reputation of slowpoke. It is difficult to formulate his thoughts, to respond quickly to your question or a new idea. If you want to talk about something important, ask when it would be convenient to do so. Schedule a regular time to discuss plans, concerns and thoughts about your life together.

"For the introvert, the active partner can be very useful"

"For the introvert, the active partner can be very useful when we are talking about the need to make a difficult decision or to change something in yourself," says Sofia Dembling. One of my favorite examples from the book – the story of Kristen, which was used to "sweep under the rug" all of the problems associated with the relationship. But she married a very active person, who encouraged her to act and she was grateful to him".

5. Remember, introverted does not mean alien

Anton learned that Olga went to dance classes, it without telling him. In response to his dissatisfaction she tried to make excuses: "Well, there are a lot of people, loud music. You don't like it". Such situation is quite typical for couples with different temperaments. First, the partners try to change each other. But then they get tired and fall into the other extreme – "every man for himself".

"Your partner may love spending time in the company of friends or go with you to concerts," says Sofia Dembling. – But it can be more important than the "how", not "what". For example, he doesn't like fiery Latin dancing, but are enthusiastic to respond to the invitation to learn to dance the waltz, where movement honed and graceful. You can almost always find a third option, which would suit both. But you need to be in contact with each other and not to look at the relationship as an endless hall with closed doors.

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How To Live With An Introvert, If You're An Extrovert
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