Violence does not have genres, but its cycles do
As a psychologist of the Judiciary, I have been able to experience what often beats in homes, but is silent in public; and it is that violence towards another human being is not the patrimony of the masculine gender.
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| Violence does not have genres, but its cycles do |
Therefore, if we talk about “violence” without an adjective that accompanies it, we will achieve whoever is located as the author, who knows (and understands) that his way of interacting is at odds with the law, because it causes moral or physical damage; and in those who find themselves as a victim, to be able to visualize that their situation is not normal or common, and that they must take the necessary measures to safeguard their lives in all aspects.
It is true that the statistics show that women are more vulnerable, and the reasons are several: we can talk about their place in history; which, fortunately, has been changing as the struggles for equality are consolidating with victories.
As well as from the biological point of view , where the man has a larger build, naturally designed for the protection of the “female and her young” during the suckling season. These, and other facts, have confused the male gender, with the clumsy idea of dominating all interaction, either with his thick voice… or by force.
It is also true that the female gender is not the most affected; Those who are truly vulnerable in any cycle of violence are children and the elderly, simply because they have few or no resources to defend themselves.
How violence between humans manifests itself: through acts of discrimination, submission, physical, sexual, verbal or psychological aggressions (also economic); and all of them, many times, in the silence of family life.
Stages of the “Cycle of Violence”
Violence needs at least two: the executioner and the sufferer; but many times, the environment, such as the couple’s children, stop being witnesses of the conflictive climate to be emotional victims of it.
Each horror scenario is as particular as a fingerprint, because it depends on the personality of its participants, their personal stories, and the context that defines them.
However, as in all social sciences, it is possible to take common features of the different violent episodes, to understand the “why” they occur; and to be able to come up with a “how” to avoid them, or to make them grow.
First of all, it should be noted that domestic violence has a circular nature and is always increasing.
It is not necessary to wait for the couple to be consolidated; sometimes the signs are clear in that first exchange of glances. Many women have confessed in their therapies how jealous their husband was during their courtship, criticizing his clothes, suspecting his friends, or keeping her away from social life… but that she took it gracefully, or believing that this made her valuable, Or was it a show of love?
Infatuation gives way to love. As the interest in concealing one’s own weak points decreases, the objective gaze towards the other grows, discovering that not everything is as perfect as believed.
Everyday life is far from the dream . Needs, responsibilities, claims and criticism appear. For those with the capacity for tolerance and frustration, maintaining empathy with the other is plausible; but for the others, with an upbringing devoid of social values, any liquid serves to explode.
There is a first stage in this circle of violence, which studies call “Accumulation of tension” , between the established power relations.
Arguing is not bad, it is simply the possibility that everyone defends their point of view; but the irrational takes over the scene, when due to impotence to maintain control over the other, verbal violence becomes present. The friction already lacks diplomacy, and anxiety and hostility accumulates and expresses itself.
Insinuations, indifference, humiliation and sarcasm appear towards the weakest, who tries to calm the “nervous” believing that she may be the cause of discomfort.
In the violent one, the change of mood appears, the complaints before small things and the increase of tension when not seeing their wishes fulfilled. The victim, for his part, often refuses to acknowledge the danger of the situation.
The second stage is called “The blow or explosion.” Word crossings are no longer enough. For the intolerant, changes are not enough; and like all predators, he has felt the fear in his prey, and he feels the “power” over it.
Insults reach a point where the aggressor loses control, leading to shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, assault with objects, serious injury…or worse. There are no limits to the fury of an abuser.
This is the point at which many victims make their first complaint before the Justice, but it is also the moment of greatest indecision, registering a high rate of repentance and victims trying to withdraw the complaint (preferably due to threats or promises of change from the aggressor).
The third stage called “Honeymoon or repentance” is reached , where the perpetrator becomes aware of the wrong done, or that he can lose his place in power if his victim abandons him.
That is why he asks for forgiveness, cries, promises more changes than he is really willing to carry out. He makes excuses, states that he is not like that, that it is the circumstances that led him… The victim “erroneously” thinks that he can lose everything, and is tempted to believe in the aggressor, to whom he grants forgiveness, hoping to a miracle.
Momentarily the two live a period of idyll similar to falling in love.
Why doesn’t the bully change? Simply because he responds to what reality shows him. He observes that he first insults, then shakes, then hits, then asks for forgiveness and they pardon him and give him another chance.
So why change?.. if everything works out for you; and she repeats it over and over again. In reality, the one who has to change is the one who occupies the place of the victim, giving himself his place and not allowing them to harm him.
Advice for those who suffer from this scourge: do not isolate yourself from family or friends, do not stop working, or be absent from the social activities that made up your life.
Never withdraw the judicial complaint (the victim is not responsible for the legal consequences. It is the aggressor who must take responsibility for his actions). Do not deny the existence of violence, nor see it as something normal and habitual in all couples, nor justify it.
If necessary: go to therapy, where you will receive the necessary advice and help.