Why do I feel like I'm not good enough for my partner?

Do you often think that you are not up to your partner? This perception is more frequent than you think, although it has important consequences. We analyze the causes that motivate this idea.

Why do I feel like I'm not good enough for my partner?

“ I feel that I am not good enough for my partner, that I am not up to the task . The truth is that I fear that, at some point, he will abandon me.” There are many people who navigate their affective relationships with this uncomfortable and exhausting feeling. And let’s face it, few situations are as damaging to one’s own psychological well-being as harboring such an idea.

Also, another fact usually occurs. Whoever sees himself at a disadvantage before his loved one usually has this same vision in any sphere of life . Work, friendships, personal aspirations… Those who believe they live under the skin of an ugly duckling, without a hint of charisma, talents or virtues, become those secondary actors in life. In spectators without protagonism.

It is not good, legal or healthy to live conditioned by this type of internal narrative . Ideas that, in reality, usually have very specific causes that are worth analyzing and understanding.

Sometimes, many of the messages that our parents addressed to us in childhood weave that constant perception of inferiority.

When low self-esteem is present in an emotional bond, it is common to have a perception of inferiority with respect to the partner.

I feel that I am not good enough for my partner

In childhood, we learn to love and also to distrust others . At this stage, we can learn not to feel more than anyone else, but not less either. Going through life’s journey trusting in ourselves and feeling worthwhile is the best nutrient for contentment and healthy self-esteem.

However, many people feel that they are not good enough for their partners . This gives way to trembling and also poisoned links. They are those in which there is a constant fear of abandonment , jealousy festers, distorted thoughts and a thousand and one insecurities associated with the relationship itself.

We could say that the origin is in low self-esteem. However, as we well know, this psychological construct is largely nourished by our interaction with the environment. The figures that were (and are) part of our daily life can also condition the vision we have of ourselves .

Let’s see what dimensions are usually behind that vision of inferiority with respect to the loved one.

Narcissistic parents, children with a feeling of inferiority

An investigation by the University of Amsterdam speaks of the serious effects generated by paternal or maternal narcissism on the self-esteem of children. This type of modeling encourages children to have to please their parents and satisfy other people’s needs, undervaluing their own. All this has harmful consequences in the psychosocial development of the person.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers do not provide security, healthy affection, or validation . This means growing up with significant emotional needs and a feeling of being worthless and constantly at a disadvantage compared to others.

An extensive history of disappointments and failures in love

When I feel that I am not good enough for my partner, I should explore my affective history. It is common to drag an emotional backpack full of disenchantments, frustrated stories, disappointments and broken pieces of a heart that has never been repaired. All this can make us think that “there is something wrong” with us.

Retired failures in affective matters can also affect self-image, even causing the person to see himself as “defective ”. We are talking about a conglomeration of ideas that give shape to a clearly harmful vision.

Lack of security and trust in your relationship

When the bond with the loved one is filled with doubts and fears, there is always a reason. And you have to know why. The problem may be in us (low self-esteem, childhood traumas, unresolved past relationships…). However, in other cases the problem focus is not on us, but on a couple that does not take care of the relationship as it should.

• He may not be giving you adequate emotional support .
• It is possible that he is tracing a type of unidirectional relationship, where only he / she decides which direction that link takes.
• He makes you feel insecure, he is critical of you, he judges you excessively…

Sometimes, we place the problem in ourselves believing that we are not enough for our partner, but in reality they are the ones who are not good enough for us.

You compare yourself with your partner or with their environment and you feel at a disadvantage

Your partner may be very attractive or have a good job. It is possible that your family, your friends and your immediate environment are defined by a series of characteristics that dazzle you. By observing and analyzing all those features that border the life of the loved one, you perceive yourself at a disadvantage.

It is not something exceptional. There are many people who feel disadvantaged by the beauty of the other, by their professional achievements or by having a more idyllic and harmonious family than ours. The basis of this discomfort is low self-esteem and the belief that the other’s positive traits are a disadvantage for you. It is clearly a problematic approach.

Sometimes, factors such as unemployment can cause us to develop a negative view of ourselves, and feel at a disadvantage compared to our partner.

You have experienced changes in your life or in your physical appearance

Unemployment can be one of the factors, fertilizers or precipitants that favor a feeling of not being good enough for the couple. Especially if it is long lasting. The loss of work usually ends up producing a significant erosion of the person’s identity, to the point of developing very negative feelings and perceptions towards oneself.

This can go to the extreme of not feeling valid or worthy of the affection and admiration of the loved one. On the other hand, factors such as gaining weight or undergoing any other physical change can also have a great impact. Confidence in oneself is lost, to the point of taking for granted that the other person will stop desiring or loving us.

Find the root of the problem

Nobody can find happiness as a couple (or without it) when self-esteem is not present, when self-criticism is constant and we feel inferior in any aspect of life. It is necessary to find the root of the problem of this devaluation towards oneself . To do this, do not hesitate to request specialized help.

Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help us increase self-esteem by allowing us to develop a healthier mental approach. On the other hand, compassion-focused therapy is very valid for generating feelings of security, self-acceptance, and self-efficacy.